Change

I’m “depressed”, but are conventional “solutions” really the solution for me and others with similar issues? I will try to explain what I mean:

I have memories as a child which I feel could be unique. I remember feeling lots of anxiety and depression, and it all started around the second grade. I moved to a public school that year, and I was devastated by the ubiquity I faced. No, I wasn’t a genius child or an anti-social one. I was just sensitive to things, and I took my world to heart–and unfortunately that world was engulfed in a depressing atmosphere where insensitivity ruled and the dregs of social conformity took control. I will tell you this with confidence; I am a sanguine person, and not necessarily gloomy at all. The dismality lies, however, in the fact that, in retrospect, I have fundamentally changed little since that year. I am in college now. Lots of time has passed and I have been through many experiences. Unlike the child I was, I can now further express myself and harness and further articulate my thoughts, but when I think things through as much as I feel I can without forsaking my sanity, I realize that I am nothing but a dreamer, and since I feel like I am in a cage, I am slowly rotting. I could be labeled as depressed, but I would rather choose to label society as backward. Sounds cliche doesn’t it? Thats because to some degree it is. But cliche or not, to me a truth lies within what I am trying to say.

I have studied hard, autodidactically, to try to upheave conclusions to certain philosophical and/or socioeconomic issues. I understand fundamental issues in the economy of underdeveloped countries, frustrations of sustainable development, and I can objectively view the politics of war. I understand the sociology of groups, I can empathize with the psychology of many minds, and I have seen polarizing viewpoints on most everything. (I sound arrogant, but bear with me) All I can conclude when I concenter all of this, however, is that humans have created something paradoxical. By “something” I mean a beast that is the proper combination of culture, society, the collective mindset, the media, the education, the leaders, the followers, the artists, and the destroyers. This life is beautiful, yet altogether, it is horrible. The more I believe I understand, the worse it becomes. The more you realize you know–the less you are sure you understand. Now, I would like to just call humanity out on being “wrong”, but I also can’t say if there is a god, and I will never understand the god’s nature. No human should believe he/she shares qualities of god’s image. Logically, a god of all cosmos wouldn’t apply to logic, so I can (logically) conclude nothing. See, as a human, that is all I can say. It doesn’t make sense, simply because we can only conceive of our own creations. So given that, I cant say that there are any universal truths, so I cannot label my environment as needlessly conflicting.

I can only have strong beliefs, but I know they can hold no grounds as to being truth. Here is one I have: War is wrong. Another: Suffering should be prevented; love is ultimate; life can be very insubstantial; “we” are caught up in a vicious behavior which is destructive to truth, and need to revolutionize; the ends never justify the means; I live in a playground, but I am over 15 billion years of age, and I need to rise past the occasion to reach my home.

So if you tell me I am depressed, I will tell you I am sacrificing certain things for a belief. If you tell me that is wrong, I will somewhat agree, but do it anyways.